thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
