I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
