theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
