Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
