Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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