Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
