I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
