We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
