You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
