I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
