How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
