the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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