Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
