The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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