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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize