There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My feet surprised me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
