I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
i need some magic done to my vagina
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
