do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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