The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I did not marry a roomba.
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