the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is wine microwaveable?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
