2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
