Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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