I'm jealous of your bromance
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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