I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
