God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
