sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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