So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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