You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
