Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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