Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
