I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
