my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
