I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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