He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
3 2 1 whiskey
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
