Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(630): View more from Illinois

i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.

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(928): View more from Arizona

proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors

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(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?

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(718): View more from New York

Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.

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(813): View more from Florida

All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.

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