Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
