Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
there's paper in my vomit.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
