Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
