And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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