i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
