thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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