i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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