You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
