If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
