hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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