Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
