the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
