mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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