Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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