So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
