I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
