we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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