You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My first STD was from a foam party
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
