Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
