I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
