I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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