Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
