Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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