1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am available for nakedness
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
