He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
